From Russia With Love And Hate
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer gets some unlikely help when there's another assassination attempt on his life.


**I think the Russians took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Come on. Odds are something like this happened at least** _ **once**_ **.**

 **From Russia With Love And Hate **

"Sterling Archer," A man with a Russian accent wearing a doctor's coat and identification looked at the infamous former spy on his hospital bed. "At last we meet. But not the way I hoped."

Of course, the man wasn't a doctor. But a former Russian spy and current assassin for hire named Andrei Annotov.

"You know, when I was contacted about the details of your…condition," Annotov closed the door behind him. "I didn't believe it. Then I went onto that I Hate Archer website. Wow. I mean Wow. Getting shot by a famous movie star you slept with. What are the odds?"

"And I also made some nice new contacts on that site. Very helpful for future work."

"But to see you like this? A man of your reputation? And how you got into a coma? Seriously, you have robot double and you don't use it to get shot instead of you? Who does that?"

"You know normally as a mercenary my policy is to not to do pro bono work," Annotov explained. "But in your case, I make an exception. Oh we never met personally. But I know of your reputation. And your reputation will boost my reputation. Even though I am not getting paid, I still get something out of it. It never hurts to spice up one's resume."

"It's a shame you won't know me as the man who killed you. But everyone else will. Especially if I take one of your fingers as proof."

"You know your name is a legend among the KGB," Annotov told Archer. "And I will be a legend for killing you. However, this is not the way I intended to do so. Simply smothering the life out of you with a pillow…Not very sporting I admit even for an assassin. Eh. On the other hand, why look a gift horse in the mouth?"

"If anyone asks how I killed you. I'll lie. Say I shot you in shootout," He picked up a pillow.

Which was immediately yanked out of his hands. By a very large knife.

"What the…?" Annotov did a double take of the knife holding the pillow in the wall. He saw a nurse in a brown wig glaring at him.

"Andrei Annotov," The 'nurse' removed her wig to reveal Katya. "Former KGB operative turned rogue assassin."

"Katya Kazanova," Annotov growled. "The robot bitch who now runs the KGB."

"Cyborg," Katya rolled her eyes. "Not robot."

"What's the difference?" Annotov growled. "You are still a cold unfeeling bitch. Oh wait, you were that before you **became** a machine!"

"Said the iceberg to the snowflake," Katya prepared to fight. "You will not harm Sterling!"

"Says who? **You**?" Annotov snorted. "I did not take orders from Dillan and I am less inclined to take orders from a female!"

"Can't say I blame you for leaving when my ex-boyfriend was in charge," Katya shrugged. "Of course, I do blame you for leaving a pile of bodies behind."

"And one more won't matter," Annotov grinned. "This will give me great pleasure. As all woman should do for their men."

 _"Seriously?"_ Katya rolled her eyes again. "You know you are basically a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen right?"

"I will break you!" Annotov growled as he rushed her.

Katya merely responded by punching him in the face hard so that he broke his nose. Then She punched him in the chest hard, knocking the wind and some blood out of him. Then she grabbed him by the neck and broke it, killing him effectively.

"Oops," Kayta mocked as his body fell to the floor. "I broke you first."

She then turned her attention to Archer. "Oh Sterling! You are all right! Well as all right as you can be in a coma."

"I mean the security here is really bad," Katya said as she removed the knife and pillow from the wall. "I just killed a man who was going to kill you and nothing. Not to mention it was easy smuggling a knife in here. You would think your skinflint mother would spring for a guard or something."

"I would have visited sooner," Katya explained as she put the knife away into a hidden holder on her leg under her dress. "But as head of KGB I am very busy. Honestly the only reason I am here now is because Annotov has been on KGB's most wanted for a while now and I wanted to take care of him personally. Seeing you is a bonus."

"In hindsight I should have known someone would hire this scum to come after you. Probably should have found out who hired him first before I killed him. Eh…"

Katya sighed. "There are also a **lot** of members of my government that still hold a grudge. Let's just say it is easier to find out who is trying to assassinate you than who hired the assassin. I just check the website every now and then."

"Yeah. That I Hate Sterling Archer website has really been picking up steam. Especially since you entered a coma."

"Oh Sterling," Katya sniffed. "It hurts me so to see you like this."

"Not as much as it will hurt Veronica Deane when I get my bionic hands on her. She is now on my how you say? Rampage list!"

Oh Sterling," Katya sighed. "I know now that it would not have worked out between us. But sometimes I wonder what if? Especially the more I hang around Boris. Ugh. Don't ask. If he wasn't so good in bed I would have gotten rid of him long ago."

"Goodbye Sterling," Katya kissed him on the cheek. "I would stay longer but I have to dispose of the body in a very messy public fashion. You know? So whoever hired him would know he failed and it is a warning shot to not try again. The usual."

She looked at the dead assassin. "Now how to get you out of here? Ah. I know. Be right back."

She put her wig back on and left the room. Then came back with a wheelchair and a sheet. "Here we go…" She put Annotov in the chair and covered most of his body with a sheet. She made sure his eyes were open. "Anyone asks I say you are brain dead. Which is technically true."

"I wonder though," Katya frowned. "How did you know **exactly** which room to find Sterling in?"

"It was probably one of KGB or Russian Intelligence who tipped him off. Who else could it be?" Katya shrugged to herself.

Later…

Reporter Darlene Love reported. "The body discovered in the freak accident involving a truck delivering tampons was that of assassin and former rogue Russian Agent Andrei Annotov. Authorities are investigating why and how this violent man met such a messy end."

Cyril frowned as he watched the news. "Damn it! Should have **known** the Russian would have screwed this up. Maybe I should try finding Barry's e-mail again?"


End file.
